Flat Screen Televisions: how flat is too flat?

If televisions were people, then flat screen televisions would be skinny people who wear cool clothes; you think, that person is so cool and so skinny, I wish I could be even skinnier.   But what happens if people get too skinny?  Their skeletons don’t fit in their body right so they look really bony.  Well flat screen TVs have the same problem, except with stuff other than skeletons.

Before I get into how flat is too flat, here’s a quick history of televisions.  A long time ago there were plays that people would have to go see at theaters.  But sometimes the plays would suck and the people who were there would be like, “We went out to see this crap?” and then they would riot.  So, to stop the rioting, some guys invented the television so if the play (or shows as people started calling them) sucked people wouldn’t want to riot because they would just break stuff in their own house.  Then people said to the television companies, “we love our television and we love our wall.  How can we put these two things together?”  And that’s how flat screen TVs were born.

At first flat screen TVs were skinnier than normal televisions but still pretty thick.  Every year, though, as television scientists make new television discoveries, they get skinnier and skinnier.  You might be like, “oh man, I hope televisions get so skinny they’re like posters that move and can’t be rolled up!”  Well, be careful what you hope for.  Super skinny TVs can be more trouble than they’re worth.

Let’s say you’re in your apartment, watching an embarrassing show and your friend knocks on the door.  You’re not sure where you put the remote since your TV is so skinny, you just hide it under the rug.  Then when you’re friend comes in, he’s wearing heavy-duty boots, walks on the rug, and breaks your television!

Or let’s say you live on the beach and are friends with a bunch of surfer guys.  You’re hanging out on your deck one day and one of your friends is like, “Hey dude! Could I borrow a boogie board?” and, since you have one, you’re like, “Sure.  It’s in my house.  Go in and grab it.”  When he goes inside, he sees your flat screen television, thinks its some new super-skinny, techno boogie board that you mounted on the wall, and takes it into the ocean, ruining it forever!

Or let’s say you turn your television to the still-pictures-of-art channel and leave it on.  Then later you hit your head and have some memory loss.  When you look around you’re like, “I could have sworn that I had a television but all I see in this apartment are some normal apartment stuff and that glow-in-the-dark painting.”  You could end up buying a whole new television before you realize what’s going on!

I’m not saying they shouldn’t sell really skinny televisions; I just think people should be warned about the dangers of them.  Maybe there could be a warning label and maybe the warning label could have a skull and cross-bones on it (that way the skeleton thing I said before isn’t totally random).