Landrew’s Take on Technology

There is a knife that street thugs use called a switchblade. Sometimes people call it a switch. So when you hear about the “switch to digital” that is going to happen on February 17th, you might get nervous like some street thug is going to find digital in a back alley and stab it. Well, this isn’t what they’re talking about. The switch to digital means that TV is going to come through a digital thing instead of a rabbit-ears thing, so there’s going to be more digital than ever. Well, before you’re like, “my whole life is going to change,” here is some stuff that won’t happen when we switch over:

1. You need to get rid of your rabbit ears as in the TV thing. You don’t need to get rid of your rabbit ears as in the things your pet rabbit uses to hear stuff.

2. The digital signal will not get into your light bulbs and make them flash red and green, turning your apartment really scary.

3. You are driving along and all of the sudden the evil professor bursts up through the road in front of you in a space pod! He’s like, “Meet your doom, arch nemesis!” but before he can get a shot off, you fire your laser missiles and he gets totally fried! Then a hot girl voice is like, “Level complete. Now leaving digital game sphere.” This won’t happen. But maybe someday!

4. If you have a boomerang and you throw it, the switch to digital will not stop it from coming back. If it doesn’t come back, chances are you are just bad at throwing a boomerang.

5. Even though the TV signal will be digital, your favorite actors in your favorite TV shows will not be replaced by weird almost-human-but-not-quite-there-yet androids.

6. Your alarm clock will not be able to read your mind, set itself and then wake you up by giving you a back massage with its new, digital hologram hands.

7. If you dream that you email someone, the digital signal will not mix with your dream waves and send that email for real. If people say that they are getting emails that you thought you sent in your dreams, you might be a sleep-emailer and should talk to your doctor.

8. Groceries won’t become something that you can download.

9. Let’s say you order a large pizza. It comes and it’s not large enough. The digital signal won’t let you click on the pizza and resize it to be bigger but more blurry, like in those programs where you can mess with pictures.

10. The digital signal will not mix with lightning to make crazy digital-lightening that strikes the antennas on top of skyscrapers causing them to walk around and punch other skyscrapers.

So now that you’re not worried (or excited) about the switch to digital, you’re probably like, “So Landrew, what things will change?” I’m not entirely sure but I for one am going to stay away from telephone poles, trains and eggs.