Landrew’s Take on Technology

Cell phone reception is like a wedding reception because they both involve talking to people.  If you go to the wrong place, your wedding reception could be really bad, like a place where there are lots of bees or a tropical island where a violent tribe that hates weddings lives.  This stuff is pretty easy to avoid because there will be clues, like big bee hives or burning wedding cakes all over the beach.  Going to the wrong place can also make your cell phone reception bad but it’s not as easy to avoid. That’s why it’s important to know the steps to take if it happens to you.

Step 1: Before you end up in a place with bad reception, keep an eye on your bars.  If you are driving and you notice that your bars are going down, ask yourself, “Is where I’m going really that cool?  Cool enough to not be able to talk on my cell phone?  And if it is that cool, won’t I want to call someone and tell them how cool it is?”  (Important: this only applies to the bars on your phone.  If you drive past a bar, like where people watch sports and drink beers, and it goes down, like the whole bar falls over, this does not mean you are losing cell phone reception.  In fact, if you have cell phone reception and a bar falls over while you drive by, you should probably call someone.)

Step 2: If you end up in a place with bad cell phone reception, try not to panic, but if you really want to, you can panic a little bit.  Think about it, your cell phone’s not working, so who’s going to know?  It’s not like someone’s going to call you up, hear your panicky voice and then uninvite you to a bunch of sweet parties for people who are always calm.

Step 3: Don’t scare the locals.  The people around you have bad cell phone reception so who knows if they’ve even seen a cell phone before.  Keep your cell phone in your pocket.

Step 4: If you forget to put your cell phone away and someone asks you what the thing with buttons and a screen is, say you’re a scientist and you invented it.

Step 5: See what other technology these people are missing.  If they don’t have computers and televisions, drive home, grab your computer and your TV and then come back.  Show the people your stuff and say made it all and when you said you were a scientist before, you meant that you were a wizard.

Step 6: Once they believe you’re a wizard, run for mayor.  You’ll get elected (who wouldn’t vote for a wizard?).

Step 7: Since the town doesn’t have cell phone reception, it’s probably pretty lame, so only stay mayor for a little while.  Make sure to stay long enough to be able to mention it when you’re trying to get jobs or when you’re talking to attractive girls.