Landrew’s Take on Technology

In the past, there were only pianos, so most music was pretty boring and only listened to by people who wear tuxedos even when they’re not going to a wedding. Luckily for cool people, guitars were invented so that music could get awesome. But even with guitars some music today is still pretty lame. This is because people are not using the best technology available to be as awesome as possible.

The first problem is that guitar companies are still making acoustic guitars. The word acoustic means “not with an amplifier.” Because there are no amps, acoustic guitars sound soft and dumb and make people who play them think they can sing in a sad and quiet way. For this reason, acoustic guitars should really only be used if there’s a power outage.

Even worse than the acoustic guitar is the acoustic bass. Acoustic basses are so big that the people who play them need to put them on the floor and stand behind then. When other things are big, it’s usually because you need more room to fit crazy badass stuff in them. This is the case with stuff like tanks, helicopters and sharks. But big giant acoustic basses are hollow in the middle. This throws off the ratio of room for awesome stuff to actual awesome stuff inside, making acoustic basses not awesome at all.

So the first step towards awesomeness is using an electric guitar or bass. But when people have electric guitars, their music can still sound not so cool. This is because you need sweet foot pedals. What do foot pedals do? Well, you know when you’re walking around in the woods and you find one of those weird puff-ball mushroom things that you can step on and they puff out a cloud of powder-stuff? A foot pedal is like that but instead of puffing out a cloud of mushroom powder, foot pedals puff out a cloud of awesome rock!

It’s also important to choose the coolest-looking guitar. Most people think that, since a lot of the time you’re listening to music without seeing the band, any electric guitar will do. But if you’re a guitar guy, it’s important for you that you have totally sweet guitar. It’s like if you’re on the phone and you’re eating really sour candy: even if they can’t see it when your face gets weird and your eyes start to water, people might still be like, “Are you ok? You sound weird and uncomfortable.” Then if you say nothing’s wrong, they get mad at you for lying. This is just like when I get mad because I can tell some guy is not rocking enough because he’s probably playing a guitar that’s boring looking.

I’d like to end by thanking guitar scientists for everything they have done to make music cool, but also to warn them that the battle against lameness is not over yet. Wherever there are acoustic guitars and boring looking guitars and big dumb basses there is the possibility of a guy who thinks it’s cool to write songs about crying and to play those songs while making weird sad faces. So keep pushing forward, guitar scientists, towards a time when guitars look like killer robots and they all have whammy bars.